Parenting Priorities: Don’t Climb Too High on Maslow’s Pyramid

A Quick Review: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Most parents have seen Maslow’s hierarchy of needs at some point. It’s usually represented as a pyramid stacked from survival at the bottom to self-actualization at the top. It’s a helpful model for thinking about human motivation—but it can also be a surprisingly clear mirror for parenting.

Too often, we want to skip ahead and hand our kids the peak of the pyramid: creativity, purpose, and achievement, before we’ve made sure the lower levels are solid.

Image: Classic Maslow’s pyramid, showing physiological needs at the base and self-actualization at the peak.

Parents’ Goal: Self-Actualization

Of course we want our kids to be their best selves. We spend a lot of time and money searching for “their thing.” Will my kid thrive as a soccer player, a robotics whiz, or a violinist?

If they want a drum set for Christmas (oh god, the noise), should I rejoice in their interest in the arts or make them earn it? Wait, “earn” a Christmas present? That feels messed up. But then again… are they entitled to Christmas presents? Is anyone?

Parenting can feel like an endless catch-22 where every good intent is immediately dismantled by “the other hand.” Of course my kids should have Christmas presents, and of course I want them to develop talents. On the other hand, the rollerblades haven’t been touched in months, the kite is tangled up somewhere in the garage, god knows what’s at the bottom of the toy bin, and drums are expensive. How about some damn gratitude from this kid who has it all?

And suddenly, angry parent mode is fully activated.

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Stop Living at the Peak

Did you catch my last post about privilege? The same pattern shows up here: my family’s needs are met, so I’ve made the mistake of trying to give my children the peak of the pyramid. But here’s the heartbreakingly beautiful truth: self-actualization can only be accomplished by the self.

Parents cannot give their children the peak of the pyramid. When we try, we create entitled brats.

Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely should want self-actualization as the ultimate goal for our children. But it’s essential to remember: it comes from them, not from us.

As parents, we must provide the lower levels of the pyramid. My kids rely on me for safety, cleanliness, nourishment, healthcare, respect, and love. Those are given, not earned. I’m the dad. I’ll take care of you.

But the peak of the pyramid? If my kid isn’t pitching in a bit while I work my ass off for the lower levels, I do not owe them the peak. If getting them to brush their teeth or clean their room is a constant battle, why should I pay for dance lessons?

By definition, self-actualization must be earned—it cannot be given. The real question is: where’s the line? How high should a parent climb on Maslow’s pyramid with a child strapped to their back before setting them down and saying, “This part is up to you.”

Image: Side-by-side view. Left shows Maslow’s pyramid, right shows what parents give vs. what children must earn.

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The Standoff

Our 10-year-old has discovered a neat trick: leave chores unfinished long enough, and mom or dad will do them. Amazing!

And you know what? She’s right. A safe, healthy, and clean environment is so fundamental that we insist on providing it for our children. Whatever it takes. So yes, my 10-year-old girl, if you refuse to do the dishes, I will do them, because… gross. And yes, you have to take a shower and brush your teeth. And I’ll show you love even if you’re a pain in the ass, because loving you is my job.

You get love from me no matter what.

But can you see me climbing the pyramid, with my daughter on my back?

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Preparing Them for Adult Life

Here’s the thing, my sweet daughter: if I’m working my ass off trying to hoist you up the first few levels of the pyramid, you’re in for a bad time when you go out on your own. And that means, as a parent, I’ve failed to prepare you for adult life.

So if you can’t carry your own weight at the lower levels, that’s where we’ll focus. Forget self-actualization; you’ll get there later. For now, let’s make sure you know how to keep yourself nourished, clean, safe, and appropriately socially involved.

It is my job as a parent to help you learn how to help me in providing those basic needs. Because pretty soon, no one will be providing them for you.

The extent to which you learn to provide the lower levels for yourself will determine how much boosting I give you toward the top of the pyramid.

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Where’s the Line?

This brings me to the most disappointing conclusion of every parenting article you will ever read, if the author is honest. Ready for my ultimate bottom-line wisdom? Here it comes…

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think Maslow lays out a good framework for thinking about parenting obligations vs. children’s expectations, but I cannot tell you where to draw the line. It will be different for every child, and for each child, it will be different every day.

Like so many aspects of a healthy, balanced life, it ebbs and flows. One day, I’m practically dragging my daughter toward the shower while tossing body wash over the curtain in hopes that some bathing occurs, and the next day she has a crush and wants to smell great and wear makeup.

Here’s another standoff we experienced: I told her she could not play with friends until she scooped the dog poop in the backyard. Being the clever little genius she is, she realized I wouldn’t object to her playing with her 5-year-old sister instead. And once again, she was right. Let the poop pile up. My girls were happily playing together!

The line slides up and down and up and down. It’s a constant people-management problem in this project we call a family. The child pushes the line up by being helpful in the items below it, and the parent pushes the line down when the child needs help learning the importance of the work required for those lower layers.

Image: Vertical spectrum showing where parents provide needs vs. where children begin earning, illustrating the sliding “line.”

In an ideal world, the child is happily doing all their chores, eating healthy food, treating people with respect, keeping their room clean, bathing regularly, trying hard in school, and the parents are eagerly investing time and money in extracurricular activities, boosting the child’s journey toward self-actualization.

We do not live in an ideal world. But after throwing my daughter under the bus in this post a few times, I need to say this: she makes it feel like an ideal world a lot of the time.

I’m so proud of my girls. They’re both well on their way to providing the lower levels for themselves, and I absolutely love my role as spectator and cheerleader, encouraging them in every attempt to find the peak of that pyramid.

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